QUESTIONS FROM followers OF “A BETTER US” (TO SUBMIT A QUESTION - CLICK HERE)

QUESTION 4: I’ve been watching your show and I love it! You have been talking about forgiveness in marriage and have been talking about forgiving every day. That is really good for small things. Seven months ago my husband was caught looking at pornography. He was immediately so repentant and has completely given his life once again to Christ in a totally new way. He had come to a low in his life, as his work wasn’t going well, he broke his foot etc., and just fell into that sin for about six months. He realizes it was not good. We have been married for 37 years. It is much harder for me to forgive than I thought it would be. We did go for some individual therapy…and a few sessions together. Please pray for me that I would be able to forgive my husband. I just wanted you to know that it’s not always as easy as forgiving every day. There are big issues that are so hard to deal with, and I’m sure you realize that. He feels forgiven and freer than he has ever felt. But it’s hard through my emotions to deal with the aftermath. What advice do you have for me?

ANSWER: We received your email to A Better Us after you watched an episode of our program about forgiveness in marriage. Thank you for reaching out to us. 

My husband, David, and I have been connected for many years with Heart to Heart Marriage & Family Ministries (producers of A Better Us) , and we have personally coached couples in similar situations to yours. 

In fact, we've been in this kind of situation ourselves. If you would like to watch a video with our fuller testimony it is available on our website HERE.

It's good to hear that your husband, Ken, has recommitted his life to Christ. Being able to work through issues with our spouses is always better when we can invite Christ into our discussions. And we're also glad that you both sought some counselling. But forgiving is not forgetting, and it will take time and determination to reach a place where you, Leanne, may feel free of the pain of it. 

One key difference between men and women is that men compartmentalize much more effectively than women. Consequently, women have a harder time "forgetting" things that have affected them or hurt them deeply. This seems to be the case with you, Leanne. From what you have told us in your message, you are still dealing with the after-effects of what feels like a betrayal. If you will permit me to, I would like to suggest a couple of strategies that may be helpful to you.

I found in my own situation that the thoughts and feelings of the betrayal would often sneak up on me, even at times when I wasn't consciously thinking about the past. Although David took active steps to ensure that he would not be in any sort of compromising position and even to ensure that I would always know who he was with and what he was doing, I still struggled to rid myself of those thoughts and feelings. I learned that the only way to deal with them was not for him to do anything more than he was doing (because he was genuinely doing all he could) but for me to do something more; I began actively and deliberately telling Satan to stop bringing those thoughts to mind. I spoke to him often out loud and reminded him and me that what happened was in the past; it was under the blood of Jesus; it had been forgiven, and I would not revisit it. And I often told myself out loud, "Wende, you will not go there. David has asked and received my forgiveness. You forgave him and cannot hold this against him. Jesus forgave him. Satan, you are a liar. Get out of our house and out of my mind." And I learned to repeat this as often as necessary.

The other strategy that may help is to have an honest, open conversation with your husband and tell him how you feel. Ask him if he would be willing to do something for you; ask him if, when you are feeling under attack with these emotions, he would actively and physically reassure you. That might be with a hug; it might be with a conversation...whatever you need to help you work through what you're feeling. Ask him to be patient with you while you deal with the aftermath of what feels to you like a betrayal of your marriage vows and ask him to actively command Satan to leave you alone. 

I wish I could tell you that there was a simple formula for changing how you feel, but I can assure you that with concentrated effort and prayer, you will see a change. God is faithful and He will do what we ask Him to do. 

If we can be of further help to you and/or your husband as you go through this time, please let us know.