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QUESTION 3: My husband and I just had our 34th anniversary. We had our first child 11 months after we were married. Just recently we allowed our first grandchild to go back and live with his mom. So, in 34 yrs, we have not been alone. We are just now experiencing an empty nest! My husband and I have struggled since we were married, and that has not stopped. What is sad is our intimacy is gone… has been for several years. Now that our nest is empty, our focus has to be on each other, and I don't think we are happy with what we see. What can we do before we realize we don't want to be together anymore?

ANSWER: We received your inquiry about your marriage concerns. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. 

What you are experiencing is not unusual. Many couples struggle with "empty nest syndrome" when our last child (or in your case, grandchild) leaves home, we find ourselves staring at our spouse wondering "Who are you?" And sometimes we even wonder "Who am I now that my children have left home?" This may be especially acute for women, because we spend so much of our energy and time raising our children. It is our "mission" in a way. But when we lose that "mission," we can be left with an empty feeling and no sense of purpose. 

The fact that you and your husband are disconnected is not unusual but we certainly understand that it is distressing. Have you had an honest conversation with each other about how you're feeling? Perhaps your husband is feeling a similar sense of loss but is not expressing it in the same way you are. Men and women are uniquely different, and one of the differences God created in us is the way we express ourselves and deal with struggles. Women tend to want to talk about what they are dealing with. Men, generally speaking, prefer not to talk about it. And if that's the situation in a marriage, it can make it difficult for a couple to work through the situation.

However, there is reason to be hopeful about your future together. The upcoming "golden years" can be the best years of your marriage. But it takes work, determination and deliberateness to achieve that. The process should begin with a frank, honest, loving conversation between you. This may be awkward at first, but it can have positive results. One of the main things to keep in mind during this conversation is to use "I" statements… in other words, avoid pointing fingers at each other. Be honest and open about how you feel and what you are experiencing. If a spouse feels she/he is to blame, the conversation can quickly become an argument, ending in hurt feelings and silence...not the outcome you're after! 

We often recommend books to couples we are working with. There are many excellent relationship-focused books out there written by respected Christian experts, and one of those is Dr. Gary Chapman. He is perhaps most well-known for his book The 5 Love Languages. However he has written many others. Some that may be helpful to you in the place you find yourself are: Married And Still Loving It; One More Try or Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. Any of these titles (as well as other marriage-focused books) can be found at our online store HERE. 

I hope some of this has been helpful to you. If you and your husband feel that you could benefit from some marriage coaching we would be happy to talk to you. You can access coaching HERE. 

Please don't hesitate to reach out to us if we can be of further help to you. God bless you as you work toward a stronger, better marriage.