QUESTIONS FROM followers OF “A BETTER US” (TO SUBMIT A QUESTION - CLICK HERE)

QUESTION 2: Could you give me some advice on how to make my marriage work better? My husband has been retired for over 3 years now, and we sit in separate rooms and he hardly speaks to me every day. I know he loves me, but it is just the way he doesn't seem to want to be with me. I suggest a game, a movie, with no response. My first marriage ended in divorce due to alcoholism, now I have been married to my new husband for 26 years. I know I have married my best friend and want to be together with him again.

ANSWER: We have received your email message and want to thank you for reaching out to us for some help in your marriage.

My husband, David, and I are marriage coaches with Heart to Heart Marriage and Family Ministries, the organization behind A Better Us. We have coached many couples over the years, some engaged and preparing for marriage, some newlyweds who are experiencing some struggles and some couples who have been married for decades and are facing some challenges in their relationships. We are not counsellors; we are coaches who work with couples to help them find their way  to stronger marriages. After reading your email, we discussed your concerns and because David has experienced the stresses of semi-retirement, he suggested some things that may be helpful to you. I have summarized that discussion below. 

It's encouraging to hear that you and your husband love each other. That is a wonderful basis for strengthening your relationship! However, we certainly understand your concern about feeling you've lost your connection with your husband. As David pointed out, men typically find much of their identity through their careers, whether it is in the corporate world or in blue collar areas of work. When retirement occurs, men can often feel they have no purpose because much of their purpose was grounded in their work life. It sounds as if your husband may be "mourning" the loss of his career and struggling to figure out what to do in retirement. 

While we understand your motive behind your offers to him of activities you could do together, a movie or a game probably don't seem like worthwhile endeavours for him. And because men typically have a harder time expressing deep inner feelings, he may not be able to put into words what he's experiencing. Or at least, he may not be able to do that yet. 

But we don't want to leave you feeling that the situation is hopeless. While what your husband may be experiencing is distressing for you, your support and love can be a huge encouragement for him. Have you told him you want to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling? Have you explained to him your concerns for your marriage? It would be important to express these thoughts with "I" statements (in other words, saying "I am concerned about you" rather than "You never want to do anything with me anymore" for example) and to leave the door open for further conversation at a later date. Assuring him of your love and acknowledging his love for you are also important things to include in your discussion. 

David and I could recommend a book to you that you may find helpful. We have worked with Dr. Gary Chapman and respect the wisdom and knowledge he has. He is most well known for his book The Five Love Languages. However, he has also written several others. One that may be especially helpful to you is The 4 Seasons of Marriage. In it, Dr. Chapman discusses the good times of marriage as well as the harder, colder times. And he encourages couples who may be going through one of those tougher seasons that there is hope for the future. His book offers real concrete things a couple can do to restore their relationship to a better place. 

We hope some of these ideas have been helpful to you. If you and your husband feel you could benefit from some coaching, we would be happy to set that up. We coach as a couple via Zoom and find it is not only completely secure, but it allows us to work with couples regardless of where they may live or what their schedule is. Many couples have found it helpful and reassuring to talk to another couple who have faced some of the very things they struggle with themselves. 

Please don't hesitate to reach out to us if we can be further help. And we pray you and your husband will find ways to strengthen your marriage in this new season of your life together.