QUESTIONS FROM followerS OF “A BETTER US” (TO SUBMIT A QUESTION - CLICK HERE)

QUESTION 1: I am trying to recover from an extramarital affair. I have sought counselling but my husband who had the affair doesn't want to attend counselling with me. I am truly having a hard time. I am asking for prayer and any advice that would help me to get past this. Also how I may be able to help my husband understand that we need counselling?

ANSWER: Thank you for your email and for sharing your concerns with us and trusting us for some help. We understand how difficult it can be for someone to recover when their spouse has had an affair.

My husband, David, and I are certified marriage coaches (we are not counsellors) and we help couples prepare for marriage as well as coach couples who are facing some struggles in their relationship. We have worked with couples who are in a similar situation to yours and in some ways we are uniquely qualified to coach couples when infidelity has disrupted their relationship. David was unfaithful to me early on in our marriage but, with God's help, we were able to find a way to save our marriage and our family. If you would like to pursue some coaching, we certainly would be glad to help you.

Having said that, the recovery process is different for men than for women and some of that has to do with the fact that, generally speaking, men and women process life differently. Men have a God-given ability to compartmentalize everything. For your husband, he is perhaps able to "put away" the affair in a compartment of his brain and not think about it so that, in effect, it's over for him. And he may not be able to understand that you don't have that ability. For women, we typically can't just decide to "put away" disturbing or upsetting thoughts; they are always present. And while we may not be consciously thinking those thoughts all the time, they are never far away and can be easily triggered by sometimes the simplest of things. 

This is not to say, however, that one way is better or superior to the other. They're just different. But if we as women can begin to understand how our husbands think and vice versa, it can go a long way toward helping you both heal from the affair. If your husband understands that you may need to talk about the hurt and you need his help in processing it, it can help strengthen your marriage.

There are a couple of books that may be helpful to you. We have worked with the authors of these books and know that they are experts in their fields and their advice can be trusted. One is called My Husband's Affair Became The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me by Anne Bercht. Don't let the title fool you - this book is not all about what she did wrong that made him have an affair! But it is about how she and her husband got through the crisis of his affair and moved them into a place where they now help thousands of couples all over the world heal from infidelity. The second one is called Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder. He has worked for years with couples who are struggling just like you are and has seen many couples restored and marriages rebuilt. 

I hope some of this has been helpful to you. If you and your husband would like to pursue some coaching with us (we coach via Zoom), please let us know and we can set it up for you.

In the meantime we will pray that you and your husband can find healing and hope for your marriage in the days ahead.