What did you say?
SUMMARY: Being a good communicator takes practice and deliberate attention to the task at hand. We are often completely unaware of the messages we send when we speak to each other. This can have far reaching effects on our marriages. Read on to find out how you can learn to be a good communicator in your marriage.
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Communication can be a tricky thing. Kind of like the kids’ game “Telephone”. Whisper a message into the ear of the person next to you, who whispers it to the person next to them, and so on and so on. By the time the message has been passed around the circle, it has changed in significant ways, often with hilarious results.
Translating from English to a foreign language can often have hilarious, potentially embarrassing results as well. An article entitled “Lost in Translation. Funny True Miscommunication” by Tony J. Hughes on LinkedIn gives the following examples:
Swedish vacuum-cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American advertising campaign: ‘Nothing sucks like an Electrolux’.
In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan: 'Finger-lickin’ good' came out as: 'Eat your fingers off’.
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan: ‘Come alive with the Pepsi Generation’ came out as: ‘Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead’.
Hardly the messages these companies wanted to send!
Communication between spouses can be just as difficult. The message we think we’re conveying may not be the message received by the hearer. In fact, there are actually 6 messages in any instance of communication between spouses.
What you meant to say
What you actually said
What your spouse hears
What your spouse thinks you said
What your spouse says about what you said
What you think your spouse said
Wow! We think you can see why sometimes conversations can run off the rails in a hurry.
So what can we do to ensure that message sent is message received?
There are courses designed to help couples master effective communication in their relationships. One such course, aptly named “Couple Communication” has couples use cloth floor mats divided into labelled sections. As one spouse listens, the other talks while he/she steps into the section of the mat appropriate to what is being communicated (e.g. wants, needs, feelings etc.). Then they switch roles. The goal is to become more aware of what is really being communicated by both spouses so that they can learn effective communication techniques without the use of the mats.
Being a good communicator takes practice and deliberate attention to the task at hand. We are often completely unaware of the messages we send when we speak to each other. Tone of voice, body language and inflection all can change the “message” of what we have said to our spouse.
There are lots of exercises and techniques that couples can try to help improve their communication. A simple two-step strategy that can help defuse disagreements and lessen misunderstandings when discussing important or serious topics is to repeat back to your spouse what you heard them say and acknowledge their feelings. This technique allows you to clarify content and reflect feelings before you respond. That way you can respond appropriately, sure of the message your spouse is sending.
Let’s take an example. A wife says to her husband, “It seems you’re always working long hours lately. We never have any time together anymore.” He could instantly take a defensive stance and retort, “Oh yeah? Well I work hard at my job so you can have all the things you want. And we spend time together. We’re together right now, aren’t we?” That kind of response is not likely to have the desired result.
Think about the 6 messages we mentioned earlier. Let’s apply them to this exchange.
What she meant to say was, “I miss you when you work late and I miss having free relaxed time with you.” What she actually said didn’t really sound like that at all. He heard, “Your job is more important than me and I’m angry at you for choosing it over me.” He thinks she means that he is being irresponsible and selfish when it comes to balancing work time with relationship time so he becomes defensive and throws it back at her. She thinks he means that she is demanding and selfish. And it escalates into an argument that leaves them both feeling upset and hurt.
However, if this couple took a step back and deliberately worked at “hearing” each other they would have been able to resolve this easily. In fact, clarifying content and reflecting feelings would have prevented any upset in the first place. And what’s more, even if you don’t get the feelings exactly right, you’ll still end up in a better conversation than you would have otherwise.
So let’s reimagine this scenario, using the “clarify content and reflect feelings” strategy.
She says, “It seems you’re always working long hours lately. We never have any time together anymore.”
He responds, “Are you upset with me because I’ve been working a lot these last few weeks?” (clarifying content)
She says, “No I’m not angry. I know you have a big project that you’re working hard on. I guess I’m missing spending time with you.”
He responds, “Sounds like you’re feeling neglected and wishing we could do something fun together.” (reflecting feelings)
She says, “No, I don’t feel neglected. Guess I’m feeling bored. Can we plan a date night sometime soon?”
The end result is satisfactory to both parties and they’ve learned in the process that dealing with communication in healthy ways can be much more satisfying and productive in the long run.
Like any new skill, this takes practice but every couple can learn how to communicate more effectively and decrease the number of misunderstandings and disagreements by using these two simple techniques: clarifying content and reflecting feelings.
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