appearance or substance?

SUMMARY: When we get married, we speak words intended to demonstrate our dedication, loyalty, devotion and commitment to each other. However, as the years roll by, we can lose track of these promises and find ourselves going through the motions of commitment as an obligation, not with the sweet joy of love we felt on our wedding day. So what’s the solution? Read this edition of “Cues From The Coaches” to find out.

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Commitment - dedication, loyalty, devotion, allegiance

OR

Commitment - obligation, duty, liability, task.

Commitment can mean many things. We get a new job, sign the employment documents provided by the company and we begin to fulfill our commitment to our employer. As a result of fulfilling this commitment, we are paid a salary or hourly wage commensurate with the job’s requirements and our qualifications.

We volunteer to take on a task to help out a friend, relative or neighbour. Regardless of how unpleasant, inconvenient or difficult the task, we follow through, thereby fulfilling our commitment to them.

On our wedding day, during the ceremony we speak words intended to demonstrate our dedication, loyalty, devotion and allegiance to each other. It used to be “to have and to hold from this day forward” or maybe “in sickness and in health, till death us do part”. Time-honoured words. Words that symbolize our intention to love, honour, respect and maintain commitment with our spouse. 

And we mean it. Because on that beautiful day it’s hard to imagine anything that could spoil the joy, the happiness we feel. 

Oftentimes, couples who show up in our coaching centre looking for help are struggling in their marriage. Difficulties, disagreements and differing agendas have caused them to lose sight of the commitment they made on that wedding day. They forget, or can’t seem to get back to, the devotion and dedication they once had. Now their commitment feels more like obligation, duty, liability and task. They have the appearance of commitment but it seems they’ve lost the substance.

So what’s the solution? How do you “fix” having the appearance but not the substance of commitment?

Simple, really. And yet at the same time, incredibly difficult.

Are you ready for it? Here it is: Find a way to successfully solve problems together.

Together is the operative word here. Finding a way to successfully resolve conflict and solve problems together will strengthen the bond between you. You’ll be able to work through and resolve issues more effectively when you see yourselves as a team tackling the situation together and this means you can settle issues without returning to them again and again. 

Let’s take an example so you can see how powerful this principle can be.

Carmela and Henry both have full-time jobs and have three active growing pre-teens. Carmela is angry with Henry, her husband, because he never helps clean up after dinner.  She cooks the meal, the kids set the table and they all sit down to eat together. But inevitably, once dinner is over,  the kids go off to do their homework and Henry heads for his recliner and the news on TV, leaving her to clear the table, put away the food, do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. Carmela doesn’t tell Henry that she’s angry, frustrated and feeling taken for granted. She just clears the table, puts away the leftovers and slams around the kitchen doing the dishes and cleaning up. She exudes an icy silence for the rest of the evening but Henry never asks her what’s wrong. Eventually Carmela and Henry end up in the coaching centre at Heart to Heart because she “just can’t take it anymore”. And Henry isn’t entirely sure what “it” is.

So what’s the problem? Is it that Carmela hates clearing away and cleaning the kitchen? Maybe. Could it be that Henry is callous and uncaring? Probably not. 

The real issue is that Carmela feels taken for granted, that what she wants or needs doesn’t really matter to Henry. She could tell him she wants help but she feels that would defeat the purpose. She really wants Henry to realize or figure out on his own that she would like his help. She wants him to help because he wants to help her, not because he was told to. 

Carmela can continue to be angry, hurt and frustrated. Henry can continue to be oblivious to how his wife feels. And the problem can continue. Or they can learn how to successfully solve this problem together by taking a few simple steps that, with practice and diligence, will become their new strategy for handling any upset, hurt, disagreement or problem they face for the rest of their lives.

STEP #1:

Carmela must tell Henry she has something she wants to talk to him about. Henry is not a mind reader - no one is!! If she never tells him there’s a problem, he may never realize it.

STEP#2:

Carmela and Henry agree to a day and time to sit together and calmly discuss the problem. Carmela’s role here is to be calm, clear, honest and kind when she presents the issue. Recriminations, angry accusations, finger pointing and name calling will create a whole new set of problems. Henry’s role is to listen with the clear intent of “hearing” his wife’s concern and with his heart and mind set toward finding a mutually satisfactory solution together. 

STEP#3:

Henry and Carmela pray together and ask God to help them in this conversation and then they engage in a give-and-take conversation, the outcome of which is a resolution they both can live with. 

STEP #4:

Both Henry and Carmela follow through on their commitment in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

This whole effort is an exercise in strengthening their commitment to their marriage. They both feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as a result because they’ve taken a situation that had the potential to cause further upset and turned it into a small victory.  They’ve employed a simple strategy designed to strengthen the fact of their commitment, and by utilizing it over and over again in their marriage, their children, having grown up seeing their parents using it, are more likely to harness its power in their own adult lives.

Kind of like Neil Armstrong’s words when he stepped on the moon: One small step for Carmela and Henry, one giant leap for the health of their marriage and their family.

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, click HERE.